Fair warning: the following post contains rather frank language about male anatomy and auto-erotic activities. It also paints a rather explicit word-picture. If you don’t want to read on, that’s fine, but maybe you shouldn’t be such a prude. 😉

So, this one time, I was taking a shower and got horny, so I decided to jerk off. Being in the shower, and not having any silicon-based lube nearby, I decided on a very reliable standby: hair conditioner. Trust me, it works like a charm.

As I’m sure you’re aware, conditioner comes in two varieties: translucent, and opaque. It also comes in various colours, depending on brand, scent, hair type, etc etc. The conditioner I had was white and opaque. This is relevant.

So I start at it, and I’m having a grand ol’ time. After an appropriate amount of time, I was ready to finish. I looked down, greeted by the sight of white, opaque conditioner everywhere, cock in hand. It was like a blank canvas!
… and then there was a drip. A red drip. I saw it fall from my face and land RIGHT ON MY COCK. A bright red drip, on the white, opaque conditioner canvas.

Then there was another.

And another.

It was not unlike the first few moments of the introduction to the wonderful TV series Masters of Horror:

Soon it was a steady stream of blood, pouring out of my nose, painting that beautiful canvas red. Needless to say, I was fucking terrified.

I don’t get nosebleeds (except when I pick too much), so this was new territory for me. Spontaneous nosebleeds never, EVER mean something good. It’s never “hey, you won the lottery” or “your crush is thinking about you” or “you have new superpowers”. No, it’s typically “alien abduction experiment gone wrong” or, more legitimately “blood vessel rupturing in your brain”.

At this point, two things immediately ran through my mind:

1) I need to sit down, and FAST, in case I’m about to lose consciousness. If I pass out, I don’t want to crack my skull on the way down, and

2) Oh god, I hope nobody finds me like this.

After a few minutes, however, I was still conscious. The bleeding stopped, I cleaned myself up, and (being very careful, mind you) I was able to stand. I wasn’t dizzy. I didn’t die. I was ok!

Let me tell you, “thank god we’re alive” sex is AMAZING.

Even if it’s only with yourself.

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