Warning! The following story contains frank discussion about male orgasms, ejaculate, and eye pain. If that makes you uncomfortable, please don’t read on. However, if you hadn’t figured that out from the title, then I really can’t help you.

So, this one time, I was getting a handjob from my girlfriend, I came, and I got cum in my eye.

This, on it’s own, is hardly impressive. (Gross, yes, but not impressive.) However, we were sitting up, side-by-side, on my couch at the time. This means I came with enough force to propel it almost 3 vertical feet — the distance from my crotch to my face.

Holy hell, did it burn. It burned more than anything I’ve ever felt — and I’ve rubbed my eyes after cutting jalapenos. The interesting thing was that it didn’t burn right away. No, cum-in-the-eye pain is a creeper. It was similar to eating certain spicy foods — the first fork full is fine, so you have a few more. After a moment, however, you start to feel the tingle. The tingle then gets stronger, and stronger, and before long you’ve drank a 4 gallon jug of milk and eaten a loaf of bread. (Also a true story, but it isn’t mine.)

I digress.

So there I am, on my couch, my rapidly-derecting cock still in my girlfriend’s hand, cum in my eye, and in increasing amounts of pain. I grabbed some kleenex and tried to clean it out, but that proved ineffective. Upstairs I went, penis still dangling out of my pants, to the washroom to flush my eye out with water.

I’d like to pause, for a moment, to talk some science. Without going into the “why”, the effect of liquid temperature on male ejaculate is quite remarkable. It easily mixes with cool water, forming a perfect water-ejeculate solution that maintaining a low viscosity without much trouble. Mixing ejaculat with warm water, however, has a wildly different outcome.

When mixed with warm water, the ejaculate becomes sticky and gooey, remaining distinct from the water. Evolutionary biologists have offered, as conjecture, that when a male ejaculates inside a warm female body, the newly-gooey-and-sticky ejaculate stands a better chance of impregnating her.

Anyway, back to the story. To recap: I have cum in my eye, which, by this point, is on fire. My now-flacid penis is still dangling out of my pants, and I’m running upstairs to flush the cum out. I get to the bathroom, go to the sink, turn on the water, and start splashing water into my eye.

I think you can figure out where this is going.

So now, instead of just regular cum, I now have this gooey-sticky-cum-glue substance in my eye, which is now burning with the fire of a thousand suns. I was laughing and crying at the same time. Instead of making things better, I had made them worse.

A few years earlier, a buddy (who had a bad habit of oversharing) was telling me a similar story — he was jerking off and got cum in his own eye. From what I remembered, he used eye drops to clear things out.

I remembered the story wrong.

After unsuccessfully using warm water to flush out my eye, I opened the medicine cabinet, foud some eye drops, and gave ‘er. The newly-formed gooey-sticky-cum-glue substance, when meeting the eye drops, formed what can only be described as “shitty concrete”. Like that yellow expanding foam after it has set, it needed to be “mechanically removed”.

Yup. That means a finger nail. I had to spend ten minutes scraping cum-concrete out of my eye with my fucking finger nail. My eye was blood shot, in agony, and reflexingly closing the eye lid. My girlfriend, in between fits of laughter (to be fair, I was laughing when I wasn’t crying), kept calling me “winky”.

Post Script To The Story

A few months later, I was going out to a club with some friends. After waiting in line for what felt like hours (hey, I wasn’t a rock star back then), we got inside. We headed straight for the bar, got drinks, and started to socialize. I was talking to some new friends, when one of them said “hey, what’s that on your shirt?”

Wouldn’t yo know it, I was wearing the same shirt from the day in question. It was a patterned button-up, with thin horizontal and vertical stripes. And now, there were these bright white blotches leading from the bottom seam, up the side, right to my face.

That night, I learned two very important lessons:

1) No matter how many times it goes through the laundry, cum never washes out of fabric, and

2) It glows under a black light like nothing you’ve ever seen.

Oh, and in case you were wondering, it was my right eye.

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