To avoid burying the lead: my girlfriend was asleep beside me at the time.

“Sphincters aren’t all they’ve cracked up to be.” – my mother, after reading this story

I don’t poop the bed, but this one morning when I woke up, I had. Not a giant log or anything… more like a really wet fart, while I was asleep. Naked. The 5 inch long, brown, vaguely football-shaped splotch on my white sheets shattered my “hasn’t pooped the bed in decades” record like [insert witty analogy for things shattering here].

Fuck.

Thinking fast, I devised a plan. Looking back, I probably should have handled this better. I probably should have just rolled with it. Copped to it. Laughed it off. No, I elected to get schemy. Although, in my defence, my scheme worked like a charm.

This all transpired on a Saturday morning, starting at approximately 8am. Girlfriend didn’t work until 11, and I always gave her a lift to work on Saturday… so here’s what I did:

1. Made my side of the bed.

2. Went and washed myself off, because uggh.

3. Went into the kitchen and made her breakfast. Bacon, eggs, some pancakes, toast, sliced oranges, juice, and tea.

4. Dug out my breakfast-in-bed tray, complete with the little fold-out legs.

5. Woke her up with fresh breakfast in bed! She sat up, groggy, with a big goofy smile on her face. We chatted, she ate, and enjoyed easing into her Saturday.

6. I pretended to notice that she needs to get ready for work, so I took the tray and (here’s the part where I’m a genius) sat it on the bed directly over the aforementioned poop.

7. Girlfriend gets out of bed, going out of her way to NOT disturb the tray OR my side of the bed (dirty dishes AND that half of the bed is made!). She gets ready for work quickly and we leave.

8. On the way back from dropping her off, I stop at Costco and buy identical sheets. I return home, change all the bedding, and throw out the… err… “soiled” set.

She never found out.

Please don’t tell her. =)

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